Den der [email protected]!%a stammingen

Af

Dagen starter med en telefon fra min Manager kl 09:00, hun ringer for å vekke meg, for å fortelle at jeg skal i radioen kl 10:00.

Jeg er trett, ligger fortsatt i sengen å lurer på hva i alle dager jeg skal si i radioen, selvfølgelig skal jeg si det jeg kan, om Mannen i speilet, om meg og mitt liv. Dette er selvfølgelig noe jeg skal fronte på best mulig måte, jeg skal var påkoblet.

Radioen ringer til avtalt tidspunkt, jeg kjenner en klump i magen, det er liksom en følelse av at jeg vet hva som kommer til å skje, men jeg må prøve å Ikke la det skje, å stamme under hele intervjuet.

Ofte tenker jeg på hvorfor jeg på forhånd vet at jeg skal stamme. Finnes det en knapp som kan fjerne akkurat det, stammingen.

 

Intervjuet starter, spørsmålene blir stilt:

Hvorfor ble mannen i speilet til?

Hvorfor ønsket jeg så inderlig å lage en monolog-forestilling om psykisk helse?

Hvorfor er det viktig for samfunnet å se forestillingen?

Hvorfor mener jeg at Du skal komme på forestillingen 13 mars på Gaffel og Karaffel  Stavanger?

 

Under intervjuet kjenner jeg at stammingen begynner å bygge seg opp, det er ting som skjer inni meg, en reaksjon som jeg ikke liker eller kan styre. Det kan nesten sammenlignes med en klaustrofobisk følelse, en følelse av noe du ikke har kontroll på.

jeg begynner å stokke om på ordene, jeg må endre på dem for å ikke henge meg fast/stamme.

Tankene lar heller ikke vente på seg, er det sånn jeg er, er liksom stammingen blitt en identitet av meg?

Etter intervjuet spør jeg radioverten om hva han synes om intervjuet, han sa det gikk kjempebra. Det kan godt hende at han mente det, men jeg liter med å tro det, kanskje er han bare høflig og grei.

jeg sendte sms til coachen min – Elin T. rett etter intervjuet. Hun fortalte meg at når vi mennesker er litt ute av «vater» er vi ofte mest sanne, det er sånn du er, du er ekte. Det er det folk er glad i.

Men når det å være ekte ikke er så enkelt, når stammingen tar kontrollen over det jeg skal formidle, hva gjør jeg da? Selvsagt ønsker jeg å være ekte, men det er vanskelig når stammingen kommer i veien for det jeg ønsker å formidle til dere der ute.

Jeg tok en prat med Bjørn Sundquist. han kunne fortelle meg at det å vinne Amanda var kult, men at han ikke var like begeistret over rollen han gjorde og at vi mennesker er våre største kritikere, det fikk jeg kjenne på i dag.

Nå som jeg har skrevet dette har jeg mest lyst å fortelle meg selv, stam mere, vær deg selv og bruk tiden det tar for å formidle det du ønsker. Lett er det ikke, det er noe jeg har «slitt» med hele livet og noe jeg kommer til å «slite» med resten også.

Du, som leser dette, som kanskje kjenner meg bedre enn andre  hører ikke stammingen så mye, men slipper jeg deg helt inn, inn til mi inste grind, så vet jeg at jeg kommer til å stamme på hvert eneste ord jeg sier. mange sier at det handler om usikkerhet, for meg handler det om både usikkerhet og trygghet.

Jeg gleder meg til forestilling 13 mars på Gaffel og Karaffel.  To forestillinger på 3 timer, det blir show!

Bilde: Joachim Goa Steinbru

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