Dødsdommen, er det nå?

Af

Jeg har tenkt mye på om jeg skal skrive dette eller om jeg rett og slett skal la være!..

Som vanlig klarer jeg ikke la det ligge, dette er nok en av de tyngste og dypeste tankene, så vær så god.

jeg tenker mye på døden for tiden, jeg tenker på alle de som har valgt og forlate det paradiset som vi skulle bygge opp sammen.

Selv føler jeg at lista bare blir lengre og lengre, faktisk så vet jeg at listen ingen ende vil ta.

Hver gang jeg hører om et dødsfall så tenker jeg umiddelbart på min bror ( noe som jeg selvsagt ALDRI håper skjer) men så viser det seg å være unge mennesker, unge mennesker som ikke er fylt 25 enda!

Når beskjeden kommer, så blir jeg stille, jeg vet ikke hva jeg skal si, jeg tar meg selv i å avslutte hver eneste setning med å si < dette er ikke den siste >.

Det skremmer meg at jeg har hatt rett HVER gang, at bare fler og fler av mine venner velger å avslutte livet.

Skal jeg være ærlig med dere så har lista blitt lengre og lengre og tallet er oppi 11 stykker, 11 stykker folkens fra alderen 15 – 25 år! Selv har jeg vært i 7 av disse 11 sine begravelser. Skal jeg være ærlig så vet jeg ikke om jeg orker å gå i flere begravelser.

Jeg trøster meg selv med å si at jeg vet at vi kommer til å ses en dag, enten når jeg kommer opp eller når de kommer ned.

 

Jeg har sagt før at jeg ønsker å leve evig, men jeg er faktisk ikke sikker lenger.

Får jeg muligheten så tar jeg heller sjansen min på sykesengen enn å tenke på hvor mange av mine venner som har forsvunnet sånn plutselig *POFF*.

Rundt meg har jeg venner som sier og ser ting så klart at jeg kan forstå at jeg kanskje er inne i en epoke i livet, en epoke med sorte vesner som kommer å følger de jeg har mistet inn i et lys som er så sterkt at jeg ikke kan se hva som er på den andre siden.

Med senket hode går de sammen, mot lyset, de sier ikke farvel, de smiler ikke og de sier ikke hade, de bare går.

Mye tenker jeg på sosiale medier om dagen.

Det overrasker meg, men jeg gjør nok det samme som mange andre, jeg sender en beskjed, et brev om tanker og minner av vedkommende. På Facebook-siden, som straks blir omgjort til en minneside blir beskjeder postet, selv om han/hun ikke er her lengre. På denne digitale gravplassen er det flere hundre, nei tusen hilsninger som de ikke kan se engang!

Tenker vi godt nok over det, så vet vi at de ikke kan se det vi skriver, men vi velger som alle andre å tro at de ser.

Jeg forstår at det er godt å dele tanker, minner, drømmer og fine ord, men sånn egentlig, hvorfor har vi ikke fortalt de alle disse flotte ordene når de var her sammen med oss.

For alt vi vet, så var det disse ordene de trengte for å se lyset i tunellen.

Som du sikker leser så undres jeg over hvorfor alle fine ord kommer når vedkommende er død?, men jeg ser at jeg gjorde denne store feilen selv, akkurat i dette øyeblikk. Jeg ser at distansen mellom ønsker og handling bare blir større, at et ønske er et ønske og en handling for blir en handling.

Tiden har forandret seg.

Nå tjener jeg plutselig penger, penger som jeg selv skal forvalte slik at jeg kan leve det livet jeg ønsker. Drømmen jeg så foran meg når jeg lukket øynene mens jeg hørte på musikk som ung er plutselig realitet.

Men nå skal dere høre, jeg har faktisk gått til sengs med alt for mye jeg må takke for

Fra å stikke hånden inn i et medisinskap, blande alt sammen bare for å bli en del av universet, til at jeg kjenner på en stort takk er et under i seg selv.

Jeg begynner å forstå at livet mitt er basert på mye flax, men også tillit mellom enkelt mennesker. Jeg forstår at noen av de som er død har vært venner fra en krets som jeg selv ikke lengre omgås, men som er mennesker jeg har respekt for.

Disse folka har vært med på å forme min oppvekst, min forståelse rundt ting og deltatt i enkelt hendelser å minner som jeg aldri får tilbake.

 

Jeg takker Mamma for at hun er så sterk, så sterkt at hun enda står med begge bena planta på jorda.

Takk til mine venner, kollegaer og ikke minst følgere som støtter meg for den jeg er.

De sier drømmer kan bli sanne, men jeg kan fortelle deg det at mareritt er drømmer og det er akkurat det samme. Det værste er at folk sitter der ute og blander sammen sannheter som ikke fins.

Det er viktig for meg å si at det er bare å gjøre det du gjør og gjør det bra

For vi skal alle bare dø en dag.

Takk for at du leste.

– Alex

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